Discussing divorce is never easy. It’s hard to talk about it with your spouse, and it is often challenging to discuss with your children. However, the reality is: at some point, you need to talk with the kids.
Truth be told, there is no “best” way to broach this topic. Divorce is an inherently emotional subject, regardless of how amicable it is between the spouses. Despite this, there are some ways you can make the process easier and less painful for yourself and your children. Here, we take a look at some tactics you can use.
How to Prepare Yourself for “The Talk”
“The talk” – delivering the news that you and your spouse are getting a divorce – might be harder on you than you expect, even in the most amicable of divorces. Here are some things to keep in mind:
- Set aside an appropriate time and place: Make sure that you and your children have nowhere to be for a while, and then find a place where you can have a private conversation. For some parents, the right setting is the home; for others, they might not want the home associated with the news. Regardless, nobody should be rushed or distracted (so put the cell phones away).
- Have the right mindset: The attitude you bring to this conversation can influence its outcome, so try to keep the focus on your child’s well-being. Whatever issues you have with your spouse are matters for lawyers and mediators. Center everything on what is best for your child.
- Seek counsel from others: Do you have friends who underwent the same conversation? Talk to them. If you’re a religious person, you might seek counsel from a spiritual leader or pray over the matter. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help.
- Have a “script” – but keep it adaptable: There are a few essential pieces of information you need to convey to your children: that you will be starting the process of divorcing, where they will be living (at least for now), and so forth. You should make sure that you and your spouse agree on these things before you tell the children.
How to Tell Your Kids About Divorce
When you’re ready to have the talk, gather all of your children together. It’s better that they all hear the same thing from you so there are no questions about what was or wasn’t said.
- Explain what is happening, but spare the details: Your children do not need to know every detail of what precipitated the divorce or, if it’s contentious, the allegations between you and the other parent. But they do deserve to know what is happening.
- Be honest and encourage questions: There is a delicate balance between truthfulness and oversharing, and you will need to find it. Be honest with your children that the marriage is ending and reconciliation isn’t happening. Encourage questions as well, because communication and transparency will win the day.
- Present yourselves as a unit in parenting: It can be hard to separate the parent from the spouse, but presenting yourselves as a unit in how you will parent is important. The urge to play one parent off the other may be strong, so presenting a united front can reduce that risk. It also shows your children that when it comes to them, your behaviors and values have not changed.
- Explain what changes and what doesn’t: Tell your children about immediate changes like who will be leaving the residence, who will be staying, and where the children will go. You may offer comfort by assuring your children that, despite lifestyle changes, your love for them remains the same.
Telling Adult Children That You’re Divorcing
Even if your children are adults, you still have to tell them what’s happening. The conversation may be slightly different, but it’s equally important:
- You’re allowed to share more details, but be careful: You can probably share more details about the divorce with your adult children than you could if they were younger. Still, it’s a good idea to not overshare. Your divorce is still between you and your spouse, so weigh transparency with discretion.
- Explain what (if anything) changes: Perhaps your adult children typically spend holidays at home with you and your spouse. That may change now. As with younger children, let your adult kids know what will be the same and what will be different.
- Encourage your adult children: Your kids may be contemplating marriage or having children of their own, or they could already be at these life stages. Remind them that your marriage has nothing to do with their marriages.
- Don’t let them try to fix it: Your adult children may be tempted to try to repair the marriage. This is where appropriate boundaries need to be set. Your children should not feel as though saving the marriage is their duty, because it isn’t. The decision to enter the divorce process is entirely yours to make.
What to Avoid When Telling Your Children About a Divorce
Just as there are things you should say and do when talking to your children about divorce, there are several things to avoid as well:
- Don’t blame the other parent: You could be tempted to shoulder all the blame onto the other parent, but blaming the other parent will more likely do more harm than good for the child.
- Don’t get emotional: Yelling, screaming, even crying over the divorce – you have probably already done these and other things in private. But remember, your children are looking to you for guidance, strength, and wisdom during this difficult time. Stay level-headed and don’t let your feelings dictate the discussion.
- Don’t say you stayed together for their sake: While it may be true that you and your spouse delayed the divorce for your children’s well-being and stability, don’t say it. Children should not feel guilty that two unhappy people were forced to stay together.
Next Steps After Telling the Kids Your Marriage Is Ending
Once the talk is over, take some time to process everything you told your children. Then take these next steps:
- Give them some space: Your children will have to process their feelings about the divorce, and they might even be angry at you. This is normal. Keep the door open for them to talk further with you about it.
- Be prepared for hard questions: Your children will have things they want to ask you about in the coming days, weeks, and even years. If possible, develop a discussion strategy with the other parent. Be ready for hard questions and take sufficient time to answer them.
- Notify teachers and other stakeholders: There are numerous stakeholders in the lives and well-being of your children: their teachers, their friends (or their friends’ parents if they are younger), their coaches, and others. Spare the details, but inform them so they can treat your children with some grace while they adjust.
- Consider counseling: You may need to set up counseling for your children – and maybe even for yourself. Offer to arrange this and make a few phone calls to counselors. They can explain what to do during the complicated family dynamics of an active divorce.
Compassionate Counsel When You Need it Most
Divorce is one of the hardest experiences that spouses and children will ever endure. As you and your family deal with the emotional side of this, you shouldn’t have to worry about the legal aspects. That’s where we step in. Connect with the trusted counsel of Joseph, Hollander & Craft. We maintain offices in Topeka, Overland Park, Wichita, Lawrence, and Kansas City, MO for your convenience.
